Friday, November 11, 2011

desperate for words

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him"
Job 13:15 (ESV)

It's beyond frustrating for a writer to lose their ability to communicate. And yet, that's the state I've found myself in for months now. Unable to express in words how I'm feeling and what's going on with my precious family.

I've talked our situation to death since our world exploded 13 months ago. I wish I could say it's given me clarity or some sort of peace of mind. But it hasn't. I don't have any answers or brilliant ideas on how to move us forward. But we keep trying. Waiting. Hoping.

Supportive friends call, email, and text me checking in. Concerned and worried. Oh, how I love my sweet, sweet friends! (Ya'll are AWESOME.) But I just can't seem to find the words. Despite the fact that my brain has yet to stop trying to make sense of all of this - it just keeps churning over the facts, feelings and thoughts - over, and over and over again. But the words fail to come.

There just aren't words to express the anguish we still feel. They say time heals pain and experience has taught me that they are right. But the deep sense of loss and the continued processing of intense trauma have yet to lessen.

Nor do the problems. And challenges. They just seem to keep coming.

But inspite of all of the trials, I know what's on the other side of this mountain we are up against.

Breakthrough. It will come. I know it because I still hold firmly to the fact that my God is faithful. He is loving. He is compassionate. And He has good things in store for us. (And whenever I forget that, I have faithful friends to remind me and encourage me.)

One day, my family will have yet another incredible testimony to share of God's amazing faithfulness and deliverance. We're just not there - yet.

And so, I keep searching for words - desperately.

I've come up with some unexepected ways to express myself. Who knew that my high school French could bring me comfort?

Je suis triste. Mon coeur saigne. J'ai deuil.

I am sad. My heart aches. I grieve.

Art therapy is my latest addiction. Black construction paper and Craypas work wonders. As does music. (I updated my playlist at the bottom of my blog.)

And playing Legos with Liam. And knitting with Chelsea. And talking Bible with Sara.

I'm trying to teach myself how to play the violin...interestingly, the horrific screeching when I bow is therapeutic. (At least for me...I think the rest of my family may need more therapy after enduring my practice sessions!)

I've found a couple of TV series on Netflix that I've never watched before. It's a great way to unwind after the emotionally draining days  - and get out some good laughs. And tears.

Every week I spend two hours processing and praying about all that's happened with my gifted and compassionate counselor. Sadly, even she has difficult making sense of all of it. But we keep pressing in and pressing on.

We'll get there. I believe it. But we are most definitely worn out and desperate for breakthrough. Desperate to see God's glory shine through all of the ugliness and pain.

Yup.

Nope.

Still can't find the words.

No eloquence with this post, I'm afraid, Friends. I think Job said it much better than I ever could:

"Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."


Are you struggling to make sense of what God is doing in your life, Sweet Friend? Or maybe what it feels like He isn't doing? You are not alone.

As a precious friend reminded me yesterday - God is always working His will in our lives, even when we don't see it or feel it. Our job is to keep pressing into Him and rest in His love. It's always easier than we make it.


I can't find the words, but I can make a choice. Today I am choosing to trust Him and keep LIVING A BLESSED LIFE.

With hope and faith,