a (really) good day

"For we are God’s masterpiece.

He has created us anew in Christ Jesus,

so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."

Ephesians 2:10 NLT

Back in November I shared about the struggles my youngest daughter is going through. Today was a good day. A really good day. God gave us a HUGE win.

Today I took Sara for her quarterly neurological evaluation. We do therapy with her every day at home to help her brain to heal. It was a rare day in that the two of us were able to go off alone while Geoff worked from home and supervised Chelsea & Liam's homeschool.

Our appointment went well. Sara is working hard and moving forward in her healing. I was able to learn new insights into her behaviors and struggles, as well as glean some new ideas on how to help her continue to heal and blossom into the little girl God created her to be. It's been a long, slow process. But little-by-little, day-by-day, we are seeing progress.

On the way home, I decided to surprise Sara with a special congratulatory lunch for all of her hard work. (And to stretch out our time alone together just a tad bit longer. It's amazing how much her behavior improves when she's 1:1 with Geoff or myself.)

After our drinks arrived, Sara looked me right in the eye and said, "Thank you for being my Mommy."

I hadn't realized how very much I needed to hear those six little words until that moment. Sara has been through so much in her short life. Just a few months ago, she decided to name the different "mommies" she has had while getting ready for bed. After she named me, she blithely asked, "Do you think I'll have a fifth mommy?"

Ouch. (On so many levels.)

Today, however, her words were sincere and so heartfelt. Her words brought a smile to my face and explosions of sheer joy in my heart.

We finished our lunch and then ran a few errands together. I heard many more "thank-yous" for the special time we were having together and again after we got back home. Aside from our lunch, we didn't do anything out of the ordinary, but given my prior batting average, it was one of the best days we've shared since August.

One of our stops was to the library. As soon as we got out of the car, Sara pulled up the hood of her sweatshirt. As I took her hand, she asked me if I could please pick her up. When I asked her why (she's not so tiny anymore!) she said she wanted to share her hood with me so I didn't get wet in the rain. (Smile.)

After picking out a nice stack of new books for Sara to read (she has a voracious appetite when it comes to the written word,) we headed back to the car. It was dark and the rain was pouring down even harder. As we hustled back to the car to get out of the rain, (the shared sweatshirt hood idea didn't work out so well) we passed another mother and daughter.

The little girl was at least a few years older than Sara and was using arm crutches to walk. It wasn't the crutches that caught my eye. It was how slow and difficult each and every step was for her. A quick glance back at her progress confirmed that she was only moving forward about an inch at a time. At best.

Meanwhile, the mom followed closely behind her, gently guiding her, ever-so-patiently. In the dark night with rain plastering both of them. I'm not sure that either one of them noticed the rain as their efforts required their calm, undivided attention.

A lump formed in my throat as I marvelled at their tenacity. And patience.

I felt both inspired and convicted. Sad to say, I'm honestly not sure if I would have the same patience that mom had. Even if it was daylight on a dry day.

I don't know their story or what led them up to that point. Regardless of the details, their every-day-life situation challenged me deeply.

My Sweet Sara, while not limited in her physical capabilities, is very much restricted in her daily life. I'm not able to do the "normal" activities with her that most moms of 6 year-olds can enjoy. Sara has a very thin threshold when it comes to sights, sounds and activity. Her senses quickly become overwhelmed and her stress level sky rockets. The trauma she has survived has left her hyper-alert. She needs very tight boundaries and parenting techniques specially geared towards children healing from RAD.

In the time that Sara has been a part of our family, we have worked in many different ways to help her heal and grow. We have experienced progress - but the process has been slow. Snail slow. You know, the kind of progress that even if you are staring at it with great attention, you still can't see any change or movement? That's where we've been. For quite some time now.

As I reflect back on the mom and daughter in the rain, my still-being-refined-flesh cries out to my loving Savior.

"Lord, please help me to be more patient. Help me to die to myself. I don't want to try to rush or push Sara. Sometimes I'm so tempted to just pick her up and move her to where I want her to be. I know I can't. But the impatience screams at my every day. Please forgive me and help me to learn from the example I saw tonight. I can't do it on my own. I know that. I've tried. Too often. But with You, I can do all things. Thank You for Your love and grace. And forgiveness. In Jesus' name, Amen."

The photo above is a coffee cup that Chelsea painted last month. (I love her creativity!) I'm so glad that I took a photo of her work while it was still in-process. Such a good reminder that God's not finished with me yet. Nor is He finished with Sara.

May God open our eyes to the work He is doing not only in ourselves, but in those around us. And may we always rely on His patience and grace when the progress seems impossible to see.

Keep pressing into Him and KEEP LIVING A BLESSED LIFE!

With grace,

got struggle?

"We give great honor to those who endure under suffering.

For instance, you know about Job,

a man of great endurance.

You can see how the Lord was kind to him at the end,

for the Lord is full of tenderness and mercy."

James 5:11

"Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials

you are going through, as if something strange

were happening to you.

Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you

partners with Christ in his suffering,

so that you will have the wonderful joy

of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world."

1 Peter 4:12-13

"God, for whom and through whom everything was made,

 chose to bring many children into glory.

And it was only right that he should make Jesus,

 through his suffering, a perfect leader, fit to bring them into their salvation."Hebrews 2:10

"And God will use this persecution to show his justice

 and to make you worthy of his Kingdom,

 for which you are suffering."

2 Thessalonians 1:5

"For you have been given not only the privilege of trusting

in Christ but also the privilege of suffering for him."

Philippians 1:29, NLT

I've come to discover that life is a journey filled with choices. At the very core, my choices are all about drawing close or pulling away.

Do I draw close to my Creator? Or pull away?

Do I seek to uncover my true self? Or do I try to cover up?

Do I reveal my true heart to others? Or do I run away and hide?

One choice leads to the beautiful fulfillment of God's amazing plans for my life.

To abide in Him and allow Him to reveal His glorious love for me.

To face my woundedness, weaknesses and sin and allow Him to heal, restore and transform me.

To enjoy relationships that allow the giftings and blessings He has implanted within me to grow and blossom.

And, to share God's goodness and grace with those that He has placed in my life.

The other choice leaves me alone.

Wanting.

Hurting.

Hopeless.

Self-medicating.

Suffering for the sake of suffering - not growth.

It's an absolutely miserable place to be.

And quite honestly, it's such a stinkin' waste of time.

A waste of my life.

It most certainly isn't what I was made for.

Some days the choice seems really simple.

But most days? Most days I have to work really hard to stop working so hard.

'Cause you see, abiding in Love is simple.

There is no real effort. It's just a choice. A life altering choice.

Running? Hiding? Avoiding? Those take effort. Great effort. And the results are disastrous.

Today I find myself facing a big, stinky, ugly mess. I feel overwhelmed and defeated.

The latter choice actually feels quite appealing - if I'm honest with myself.

Don't push through the struggle, just settle in and wallow in it.

I look around me and see those whom I love hurting and struggling.

We are in this together. At least we can be - if we choose.

Going through suffering and struggles is exhausting and excruciating.

But as Elisabeth Kubler Ross said, the most beautiful people we know are those who have gone through.

Pushed through.

Refused to give up.

While the wallowing may feel like the easier choice, I know where it ends up. And in truth, that's not where I want to end up.

If I quiet my raging heart for even just a split second, I can hear Love whispering words of life and hope to me.

Reminding me of all He has done in the past. And promising me that He has better things in life in store for me than this.

Today God has laid the same choice before each of us, my Friend.

Which path will you choose?

I have a feeling, that you, my Friend are one of those people. Beautiful beyond words.

You may not see it yet because Master Potter isn't done with either of us yet.

But rest assured, one day His work will be complete. And it will be more than worth the suffering.

Please don't give up.

Please don't give in.

I know how tempting it is to give into wallowing.

I also know how damaging and destructive it is. To us. And those we love.

I encourage you to make the choice today to KEEP LIVING A BLESSED LIFE!

In His love and grace,

perspective

"So where does wisdom come from,
and where does understanding live?
It is hidden from the eyes of every living thing,
even from the birds of the air.
 The places of destruction and death say,
'We have heard reports about it.'
 Only God understands the way to wisdom,
and he alone knows where it lives,
 because he looks to the farthest parts of the earth
and sees everything under the sky.
 When God gave power to the wind
and measured the water,
 when he made rules for the rain
and set a path for a thunderstorm to follow,
 then he looked at wisdom and decided its worth;
he set wisdom up and tested it.
 Then he said to humans,
'The fear of the Lord is wisdom;
to stay away from evil is understanding.' "

Job 28:20-28 (NCV)

Sometimes we can spend so much time looking that we forget to really see.

 

Our eyes are open, but our perspective is off.

 

Some people may look at these photographs and wonder why I took them. The answer for me is easy. I see beauty in the simple things. The textures and patterns and places where every day life happens.

 

These particular photos I took a year ago, July. Geoff and I hired our favorite babysitter (Brea, WE MISS YOU!!!) and snuck away for dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant in The Pearl.

Afterwards, we walked around Portland and snapped shots of whatever caught our attention. Geoff's the true photographer in the family, but I have fun messing around. (I admit to being a bit ADHD when I'm behind the lens!)

 

As I look at the pictures, I can't help but wonder what God's perspective is on my current life situations.

His Word is full of verses that tell us to look and see.

 

Two particular verses caught my eye tonight:

 

"The Lord looks down from heaven and sees every person."

Psalm 33:3 (NCV)

and

"God looked down from heaven on all people to see if
anyone was wise,  

if anyone was looking to God for help."

Psalm 53:2 (NCV)

I don't know about you, but the idea of the Creator of the Universe looking down on me brings a smile to my face.

The second part of that verse really hits home. Because, quite honestly, I could really use His help with the challenges I have before me.

 

Today and every day.

 

I don't want to miss out on all that God wants to show me and teach me.

Some days, my eyes are wide open and my spirit is sensitive to His gentle leading and love.

Most days, however, I get stuck seeing things through my flesh and I miss out on all that He wants me to see. And hear. And know.

Sometimes, we just have to lift our eyes up and really look around at all that is really going on.

And always, always I think we need to remember that we have a Creator who is readily available to offer us help. All we have to do is ask.

Today I pray that God will give both of us His perspective. To view our challenges, our lives and especially ourselves through His eyes.

And, the courage to ask Him for help when the things He shows us feel too big or too heavy to face on our own.

May you know, my Friend, how truly loved and valuable you are.

Keep pressing into Love and KEEP LIVING A BLESSED LIFE!

Looking up,

win or lose

Xia-Xia, LangFang, China, June 2006 (brings tears to my eyes)

Sara showing me the look she gives her sister & brother behind my back most days to push their love away. :-(

Sara working on getting her brain strong after acting out on a "fun" family outing.

Jumping jacks help kiddos move out of fight-or-flight mode.

Sara feeling a bit more grounded but still struggling during one of her difficult days.

"And may you have the power to understand,
as all God’s people should,
how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is."
Ephesians 3:18 (NLT)

Welcome to my world. Looking at the above pictures may leave you scratching your head wondering why in the world I'm sharing such sad pictures. As well as what kind of parent I am. No worries! I wonder that myself. Every.Single.Day. (Grin.)

I've had several people ask me to share a bit more detail about the struggles my family has been working through this past year, plus. After much prayer and thought, I still believe that most of what we are going through needs to remain confidential.

However, as with most things, I know we aren't the only ones struggling. My intention in writing on a public blog is to hopefully encourage others by sharing what God is teaching me through this crazy-daisy life I'm livin'.

Life is hard and we're all in this battle of good vs. evil together. A word of warning: I most assuredly do not have all the answers. Nor have I figured out how to live a life fully pleasing to God. That is, of course, my heart's desire.

But I'm human. I struggle. I make mistakes. Sometimes I think I've figured something out, only to realize that I was reading my Bible upside-down!

Some days I'm clear-headed and my focus is where I want it to be - while other days I'm downright confused and overwhelmed. So please take what I share as what it is. One person's experience at this point in time. Please allow God to be your source of wisdom and guidance. He won't let you down or steer you wrong. I'll try not to, but as I said, I'm human. (Smile.)

You and I are fellow-sojourners on this amazing journey called life. Together we can offer each other support - and a whole lot of grace!

So, grab a cup of coffee and step into the "World of Amy" for a moment or two...I have a feeling you'll be more than relieved to step back into your own reality by the time you're done reading! (Chuckle.)

Here goes...

As a mom to two birth children and two adoptive children, God has given me a unique perspective. I have the joy of parenting children who have always known the security of love and acceptance. I also have the anguish of wanting to pour love and acceptance into children who have never known the security of love and acceptance. Holding both experiences in tandem, I'm learning, is beyond excruciating.

I spent my first 8 years of parenting taking for granted that love was something that was freely given and freely received. I couldn't fathom that anyone, especially a child, would consider love to be something to run from. Until I met RAD.

Reactive Attachment Disorder.

I'll spare you all of the gory details and cut to the chase. Children (and adults who have yet to experience healing), suffering from RAD are terrified of love. Their sole purpose in life is to protect themselves from love and do so by working tirelessly to control others and their environment. You see, for them, to give into love or allow others to be in control is equal to dying. Their goal is to survive at any cost.

Their behaviors do not make sense - at least not to untrained heart. You see, in reality, these individuals are AMAZING human beings - full of creativity, intelligence and deep beauty. And, of no fault of their own, experienced devastating loss or trauma before the tender age of three.

There's much more to the diagnosis and disorder than what I'm relaying here. But for the sake of keeping this l-o-n-g post from being even longer, this is 'RAD in a nutshell.' And quite honestly, after living with it and learning about it for 5 years, my brain is still tied up in a painful-pretzel-knot every day trying to figure it out.

Moving on...

My Sweet Sara has verbalized extreme trauma during her first 18 months while she was in China. I recognize that the average person does not (should not? cannot?) remember the first several years of their lives. But, for whatever reason, Sara does. Vividly. Painfully.

Shortly after we brought our baby girl home, we recognized that her special-needs went far beyond her physical heart, lip and palate. She needed special parenting, unique therapy and lots and lots and lots of prayer. And patience. And the one thing she was most afraid of - love.

Bringing Sara into our family has taught us so much. We spent three solid years helping her to heal and grow and settle into our family. The miracle of transformation we saw in Sara, and in ourselves, inspired us to adopt again. Through our own histories and experiences, God birthed within us a desire to help hurting kids heal.

For reasons God alone understands, He led us to another child who also experienced a traumatic start in his life.

The details of Sara and Luke's lives are for them alone to share. Suffice to say, they have experienced deep wounding and trauma. Unimaginable experiences that have scarred them both deeply - resulting in RAD - which affects every cell of their being and every aspect of their lives. Their thought processes, decision making and actions are all affected by what they did - and didn't - experience during the first few years of their lives.

For all of my fellow mamas out there - whether you are parenting children who grew in your womb or in your heart - when your child hurts, you hurt. You want to pull them close and shower them with love.

The only problem is that RAD doesn't allow us to do that. In fact, it's a defense mechanism that seeks to destroy love in any shape or form. "Devastating" doesn't even begin to describe what it's like to want to love someone who not only refuses to let you love them, but works tirelessly to make themselves unlovely.

For Sara, the past couple of years have brought her more pain. The details of her life thus far would break your heart. Watching her struggle, trapped in a world of solitude that she has carefully constructed is beyond painful.

Every day she wakes up with a plan to push us away from her. Every day I wake up with plan to pull her close and help her fragile, bleeding heart heal.

I would do anything, give anything to help heal my little girl's heart.

Out of 417 days, Love has won out on only 6 of those days. One could say, therefore, that my youngest has won 411 of those days. But, sadly, the reality is that when Love loses, we all lose.

My precious child has missed out on 411 days of peace, joy and love. And it breaks my heart.

You might be wondering what a child healing from RAD might say about such a sorrowful situation. Sadly, she's quite pleased with herself. I kid you not. Like I said, it doesn't make sense. Or maybe it does?

RAD makes these amazing children believe that they don't deserve anything good. Otherwise why would they have been abandoned by their birth parents? Why would God have allowed bad things to happen to them?

I don't have the answers to those questions. But I can guarantee you that I've done everything in my power to try to convince both of my wounded children of their value and my unconditional love for them. (Have I mentioned my pretzel-knotted-headache?)

The problem is that RAD doesn't allow reasoning. It wires the brain in a different way.

So far, my batting average (6:411) stinks. But you know what stinks even more? The fact that my precious kiddos aren't the only ones battling RAD.

When it comes to God's unconditional and abundant love for me, I'm afraid that more often than not, I have my own defense mechanisms and refuse to let Love in. I don't know why I do it. In fact, most days, I don't even recognize that I'm doing it. Kinda like my hurting kids.

When I see RAD come between me and my Heavenly Father, it gives me greater compassion and empathy for my two struggling children, and gives me the strength to try yet again tomorrow.

I've said it before - I'm not giving up. I'm not giving in. I refuse to let RAD - and the enemy of our souls - to win.

Because, despite all of the loss, trauma, grief and pain the enemy throws our way, we have a God who is far bigger and far more powerful. As a human, as a mom, there is only so much I can do.

But God.

He is love. He is life. He brings new life to seemingly hopeless situations. He is the light in our darkness.

He has gone before us and is preparing the way to freedom.

Our breakthrough didn't come today and it might not come tomorrow. But I believe that it will come. In God's time. In God's way.

Friend, I don't know what challenges you are facing today. Maybe some of what I've said is resonating in your heart. Maybe your struggles are even more intense than what we're dealing with here.

But I do know that if you are struggling and feeling like every day is a losing battle-  you are not alone.

Our situations may look nothing alike, but I do know that our core desire as humans is to know love, give love and be loved. We all struggle with that in one way or another.

Some days can be so very, very hard. We win some. We lose even more.

But that doesn't change God's never-ending love for us.

He loves us with a fierce devotion. Especially when we do our best to look and act unlovely.

Today, may we both take a chance to stop fighting, allow our defense mechanisms to drop and let Love in.

There is nothing my children can do to earn my love. There is nothing they can do to make me stop loving them. They've tried. Believe me. They have tried. And I still love them. Immensely.

There is nothing you or I can do to earn God's love. There is nothing we can do to stop Him from loving us. I've tried. Believe me. I have tried.

God is love. And "love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:8a, NIV)

Win or lose, I'm choosing to keep on loving and to KEEP LIVING A BLESSED LIFE!

With hope and LOVE,

thankful

"Rejoice always,

pray without ceasing,

give thanks in all circumstances;

for this is the will of God

in Christ Jesus for you."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (ESV)

There's a saying that I keep seeing around the Internet lately that I've been contemplating.

"What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"

It gets your attention doesn't it? It sure got the attention of my flesh. In the form of a flinch. Followed by a sigh. And intense panic. And then condemnation.

I can honestly admit that my initial thoughts, sadly, were entirely selfish. While I love camping for a full week every Summer, there are certain creature comforts that I would never want to live without. Those were the first "things" that came to mind.

A few seconds later, however, I tossed condemnation aside and got real. With myself and more importantly, with God.

And I remembered who He is. As well as who He's not.

While I can sometimes fall for the trap of expecting my children to say "Thank you," if I do something nice for them, I honestly prefer a heartfelt thanks that comes naturally and without obligation. Or conditions. You know - without strings attached.

True giving is like that. Simple. Pure. From the heart. Derived from love. Without expectations.

And so it is with my Heavenly Father. He delights in showering abundant gifts upon me. Regardless of whether I thank Him. Or if I even stop to notice that it was from His loving hand the gifts came from.

That doesn't mean, however, that my thankfulness doesn't warm His heart. It just means that He graciously bestows good blessings upon me because He loves me.

So, with condemnation out of the way, I felt the Holy Spirit bring His sweet and ever-so-gentle conviction. Ah, that's where the real teaching begins. When pride, selfishness and guilt are gone, the eyes (and ears) of our hearts are open.

With my flesh thankfully silenced, I was able to dig a little deeper. And you know what? I actually liked what I saw.

I wish I could say that my initial reaction was pleasing to my God - and to myself - but it wasn't. I'm human. And I'm still learning and growing. But I'm thankful that I have a patient Creator who knows me fully and is ever-so-gracious with me - and my annoying flesh. :-)

Which brings me back to the original question. What am I thankful for today? After all, it's the perfect day to consider such things, isn't it?

As I reflect over the past year, I can obviously thank God for the flowers of blessings. Beautiful, colorful, many of which have popped up in unexpected places. Extravagant love full of mercy and goodness.

But that's not all.

In the very same thought, the very same breath, I utter heartfelt thanks for the painful thorns and thistles I've encountered as well. Especially the ones embedded deep in my heart with wounds still fresh and bleeding.

As crazy as that sounds, I'm especially thankful for pain I've endured.

The tears fall silently down my face as I thank my Father for the thorns.

Without the thorns, the beauty of the flowers grow pale.

Without the sadness, the joy falls flat.

Without loss, that which we still hold loses it's value.

My heart still physically aches on a daily basis because of the burdens I carry of loss, grief, trauma, betrayal and pain. However, it's those very things that tell me my heart is still soft, beating and alive.

I refuse to give up.

I refuse to give in.

One day my hope will be fulfilled.

And there will be a glorious resurrection and unbelievable redemption.

We will experience new life through this season of loss.

Our hearts are being refined. Our joy is being purified.

It's a painful, painful process. But it is going to be worth it all. I have no doubt.

And so, today, I thank my Daddy first and foremost for who He is - awesome, faithful, generous and kind. Good to the core.

And I thank Him for my best friend and husband, Geoff.

I thank Him for my firstborn daughter, Chelsea.

I thank Him for my firstborn son, Liam.

I thank Him for my youngest daughter, born in my heart, half-a-world-away, Sara.

And, I thank Him for my Ethiopian son, Luke, who taught me how to embrace the thorns and thistles.

As my Savior taught me, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13 KJV)

As I come full circle in my thinking, I can't help but laugh at my weak flesh. It's forever bound to this temporary place I call home. Thankfully, I'll get to leave it behind, along with all of my other earthly possessions.

What I'm most thankful for today is Love.

And all that He is.

And all that He has given me.

And those things, my Friend, are eternal.

And so, while loss is a part of my life today, I can be wholeheartedly thankful for it, because one day it will all be made right.

And the thorns and thistles will be transformed.

And my wounds will stop bleeding.

And my heart will be made whole.

And so will yours.

I am also thankful today for you, my Precious Friend.

And, because of that, I pass on the gift of a question that brought me bitter tears and a heart refined.

What are you thanking God for today?

Don't be afraid of what your flesh reveals.

Just make sure you don't stop there.

True growth comes in being honest with yourself and your Creator.

Push past the junk and shove aside the trap of condemnation.

The Maker of this universe loves you.

He knows you fully. And He loves you. All of you.

Keep pressing into LOVE and KEEP LIVING A BLESSED LIFE!

Thankful beyond words,

P.S. I'm also thankful for the Guide Dog pup, Jeremiah, we helped raise this year. a.k.a. "Big Jer" or "Clifford the Big Red Dog!" Oh, how we miss him...

PHOTO CREDITS:
Geoffrey D. Ivey - Flowers & Thorns, David Hill Winery;Liam, Rockaway Beach, OR;Jeremiah, Portland, OR
CLI  - Bro & Dad, Rockaway Beach, OR
Amy J. Ivey - Geoff, Shimanek Bridge; Chelsea, Hannah Bridge; Sara, Larwood Bridge

light

 "In the beginning was the Word,

and the Word was with God,

and the Word was God.

He was in the beginning with God.

 "All things were made through him,

and without him was not any thing

made that was made.

In him was life,

and the life was the light of men.

The light shines in the darkness,

and the darkness has not overcome it."

John 1:1-5 (ESV)

A powerful truth for all of us to hold onto. No matter how dark the night, no matter how dark the day, no matter how dark the season, no matter how dark the year - He is the light. He is our light. And darkness will never overcome Him.

Keep pressing into the LORD. He loves you. He is holding you in the palm of His hand.

Whatever burden you are carrying, trust and believe that He is carrying you.

You are not alone. You are loved.

God is good. All the time.

May we both experience His Word and His light in a new way today.

For it is in Him, and through Him, and with Him that we are LIVING A BLESSED LIFE!

Still believing,





desperate for words

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him"

Job 13:15 (ESV)

It's beyond frustrating for a writer to lose their ability to communicate. And yet, that's the state I've found myself in for months now. Unable to express in words how I'm feeling and what's going on with my precious family.

I've talked our situation to death since our world exploded 13 months ago. I wish I could say it's given me clarity or some sort of peace of mind. But it hasn't. I don't have any answers or brilliant ideas on how to move us forward. But we keep trying. Waiting. Hoping.

Supportive friends call, email, and text me checking in. Concerned and worried. Oh, how I love my sweet, sweet friends! (Ya'll are AWESOME.) But I just can't seem to find the words. Despite the fact that my brain has yet to stop trying to make sense of all of this - it just keeps churning over the facts, feelings and thoughts - over, and over and over again. But the words fail to come.

There just aren't words to express the anguish we still feel. They say time heals pain and experience has taught me that they are right. But the deep sense of loss and the continued processing of intense trauma have yet to lessen.

Nor do the problems. And challenges. They just seem to keep coming.

But inspite of all of the trials, I know what's on the other side of this mountain we are up against.

Breakthrough. It will come. I know it because I still hold firmly to the fact that my God is faithful. He is loving. He is compassionate. And He has good things in store for us. (And whenever I forget that, I have faithful friends to remind me and encourage me.)

One day, my family will have yet another incredible testimony to share of God's amazing faithfulness and deliverance. We're just not there - yet.

And so, I keep searching for words - desperately.

I've come up with some unexepected ways to express myself. Who knew that my high school French could bring me comfort?

Je suis triste. Mon coeur saigne. J'ai deuil.

I am sad. My heart aches. I grieve.

Art therapy is my latest addiction. Black construction paper and Craypas work wonders. As does music. (I updated my playlist at the bottom of my blog.)

And playing Legos with Liam. And knitting with Chelsea. And talking Bible with Sara.

I'm trying to teach myself how to play the violin...interestingly, the horrific screeching when I bow is therapeutic. (At least for me...I think the rest of my family may need more therapy after enduring my practice sessions!)

I've found a couple of TV series on Netflix that I've never watched before. It's a great way to unwind after the emotionally draining days  - and get out some good laughs. And tears.

Every week I spend two hours processing and praying about all that's happened with my gifted and compassionate counselor. Sadly, even she has difficult making sense of all of it. But we keep pressing in and pressing on.

We'll get there. I believe it. But we are most definitely worn out and desperate for breakthrough. Desperate to see God's glory shine through all of the ugliness and pain.

Yup.

Nope.

Still can't find the words.

No eloquence with this post, I'm afraid, Friends. I think Job said it much better than I ever could:

"Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."

Are you struggling to make sense of what God is doing in your life, Sweet Friend? Or maybe what it feels like He isn't doing? You are not alone.

As a precious friend reminded me yesterday - God is always working His will in our lives, even when we don't see it or feel it. Our job is to keep pressing into Him and rest in His love. It's always easier than we make it.



I can't find the words, but I can make a choice. Today I am choosing to trust Him and keep LIVING A BLESSED LIFE.

With hope and faith,